Doubting....Who Me?



Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31 ESV)

Over the last several years I have struggled off and on about the faithfulness of God.  Let me just say right now that I truly and honestly believe that God is forever faithful regardless of what I think, how I feel, or what the current situation is whether good or bad.  Maybe struggle is not the right word, but I do doubt.  Doubt actually may even be a better word to use over struggle.  Either way I do one or the other over and over again.  I do this in the good and I do this in the bad.

My walk with my Lord and Savior is one that needs improvement that is for sure.  Maybe if that would improve then maybe my doubt in His ability to handle all my issues would fade.  So looking back over what my family has been through I can honestly say that there have been long periods where I doubted God's faithfulness.  When the cupboards were bare, when the car needed gas, when the boys need clothes, the disconnection notice came, that doubt would turn up its ugly head and say "Ok, now where are you God?"  I know the bible tells us that He cares more about me then the birds in the air.  I even heard that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  Knowing this and believing it are totally two different things.  I knew it!  Not only did I know all this but I really, and I mean really, knew it in my head, but not in my heart. 

So over the last few months (since moving to NC), I have once again had to go through the questions again:  Ok, God you brought us here I guess, so why are things not any better?  Why, did you move us here only to be worse off then we were in CO?  If this is really your will, then why is all my stuff still back in CO?  Why, is that pink elephant in the living room still here?  I really thought things would be different, but here we are in the same situation, and the only difference is I am all alone no mom, dad, sister and church family.  Why, would you have us open this door, and everything be the same?  I had so many questions and what felt like no answers...WHY?  And then I finally hear an answer...."Why, are you doubting what I am doing?  I am trying to fulfill the promise I made.  Yes, it is hard, but you have to trust me and know that I have a plan that is unfolding.  Trust me, I do care about you more then the birds in the air.  Trust me, I have a plan that is the best for you.  I love you!"

We moved to NC for a better life, for us as a family, for a chance to dream again.  You see nothing was happening for us back in CO.  After nearly 4 years of my husband loosing his job, and the 2 years after I lost my job, this is the door that opened.  We began to have dreams and hopes of the way things were going to be once we were together as a family.  However, our dreams and our hopes are not always those of God.  I told my husband that I would not go to work, that this was his doing and he would support us if that meant he would work 3 jobs.  God had different plans.

Recently, I was beginning to feel that I needed to find a job but there is no way I could even begin this process, what if they call for an interview, I don't have a car, what am I going to do about after school care for my son.  There is no way that this is going to work.  Well even through all those questions of how, I really felt like I needed to at least send my resume', so I did.  After I sent my resume' I was beginning to feel like everything was going to be ok.  God would take care of everything if this was His will.  It was different, it was not a head thought it was a heart thought.  As my resume' made its way through internet space to reach its destination, on some unknown persons desk, God was busy at work, preparing a car for me, and after school care for my son.

It was with this realization that made it to my hear...God truly knows what He wants for us, and He begins to work the process.  Even though I was doubting what I could only see, God was faithful.  During those times of not knowing where are next meal was going to come from...we never went without.  Our car never ran out of gas.  This was not just happening, this was God providing and remaining faithful to His promise.  I may not like what I see...but God is there.  I may not want to do what I am being asked to do...but God is there.  I may be scared, worried, whatever...but God is there.  See it does not matter that we doubt, it is better that we don't yes, but God does not stop working.  I do believe that God does not like it when we doubt, but He does not stop loving us, and wants to see His promises, His plans to be fulfilled in our lives. 

I can see over the last several years even though I doubted Gods promises, I never doubted what God could do. I think the difference now is that I don't just believe with my head, I believe with my heart.  See our relationship with Christ is a heart relationship not a head relationship.  God still fulfills His promises and His plans even if we doubt, and believe with our heads that He will do what He says. I will go as far to say that I think it slows the process down.  We need to move past the head and get focused on our relationship with Christ at the heart level.  If we would do this I think the promises and plans that Christ has for each us would fulfilled a lot quicker.

Yes, God is forever faithful to keep His promises! It may seem like forever for us, but it is just a moment in time for Him. This has been a long time coming for us, but He has provided for us every step of the way, even when we became discouraged, doubtful and full of fear He was always there!  Like the poem "Footprints in the Sand" says, when we only see one set of footprints, that is when Christ is carrying us.  He has been carrying me for a long time, because of my doubt, but now it is time for me to begin walking beside Him, and allowing Him to lead me with my hand in His.

Don't quit.  Don't give up!  This is a lesson I learn and forget over and over...God has a plan for each of us and that plan unfolds itself each and every day, until His promise to us is fulfilled.  Hang in there!

In Pursuit of the Heart

This blog post has been awhile in the making.  I have written it, deleted it, re-written and deleted, not just once by many times over the last several weeks.  Why?  This is the area in my relationship with both my Savior and my husband that I struggle with.  I know what I need to be doing, but I can find a million and one excuses for not doing.  So this is as much for me as it is for you.  If you find yourself struggling with these two very significant relationships I hope my thoughts will be of help.

In every relationship there are rules that we all follow.  Whether we are aware of those rules or not we follow them.  Those rules are the "secret code" that builds a relationship.  My relationship with my friends differ greatly.  My relationship with my children is different between each child.  My relationship with my spouse is above all different from any other relationship.  Most importantly my relationship with Christ is far more different then any relationship I have with anyone here on earth.  What makes each of these relationships different?  It is the "secret code" that we follow which is established from the very beginning of any relationship.  That "secret code" is different from one relationship to the next and it changes over time.  This "secret code" is what allows us to open up our hearts to those we have strong relationships with that last over a lifetime.  When one is blessed with such a relationship we do everything we can to protect that relationship and grow that relationship, so that whatever is going on in our lives we can share openly with each other the good or bad.  To be honest, that type of relationship is hard to find, but when we are married, and have a relationship with Christ we have that type of relationship.  We have a relationship in a marriage where we are in pursuit of our spouses heart, the same way we are in pursuit of the heart of God.  That is why marriage is something that you just can't "try on" when just living with someone.  The dynamic of a marriage is such that it resembles the relationship we have with our Father.  We are in pursuit of the heart in each of these two relationships.  So that raises the question how do we pursue the heart of our Saviour and the heart of our spouse?

When we are in pursuit of our Saviors heart we should be spending countless hours seeking Him.  We seek Him when we communicate with Him, by praying, listening, and waiting.  We even spend time in His word, seeking His will for us, and seeking His heart.  As our relationship with Christ grows, we begin to see changes in our lives, in our families, and in our marriages.  Our relationship with Christ grows as we begin to build that relationship.  As with any relationship if we don't work on it, it can and does grow cold.  The difference with this relationship, is that Christ welcomes us and gives us a chance to pick ourselves up when we fail at doing this relationship building, and allows us to start again.  He never gives up on us.  He never makes us start over.  He allows us to begin right where we left off.  His love has no conditions placed on it.  He forgives and forgets.

When we are in pursuit of the heart of our spouse, it should be no different then pursuing the heart of God.  We need to communicate, listen and wait.  I am talking about communication beyond "How was your day?".  I am talking about communication that gets to the heart.  When we love someone, we want to get into their heart.  We want to know beyond the words "I am ok", exactly how they feel deep down in the heart.  We want and need to get to the heart of the matter.  If you rarely communicate with your spouse outside the "How was your day?", this is going to take work and simply the longer you have been married the harder it is to get past that.  So how do you begin to pursue the heart of you spouse?  You start by setting time aside everyday to begin building a relationship that reflects trust.  You have to trust your spouse if you are going to open your heart.  If trust is an issue, start with simple things, before your open your heart and spill everything out.  Not only will this begin a process of building trust, and your spouse will not be overwhelmed when you get to the heart issues.  Simple things that include most current events, not the things that you are holding on to from long ago.  Start by asking questions that seem "silly".  Questions like "What is your favorite ice cream?" or " If you could drive any car you wanted what would it be?" You will begin to find out that as you ask these "silly" questions the more difficult question will be easier to answer and your heart will begin to open up. Remember communication is a two way street.  One speaks, the other listens, and then the other repeats what they heard.  Then you repeat this with the other person.  One of the things I learned during a seminar that my husband I went to is to use a ball.  You speak when you have the ball, you listen when you don't.  A good practice that I am thinking of trying again in my own relationship with my husband.  I have a tendency to speak when it is not my turn.  Once communication is learned, and trust is built then the heart will begin to open up.

So begin the pursuit of the heart of our spouse as you begin the pursuit of the heart of God and see what transforms in both relationships.  Really, what could it hurt?

I will be working on both of these relationships, and am excited to see the transformation in both.

I welcome comments to this post and any of my previous post.

Guard Your Heart!

So where do I begin this blog today?  Do I speak from my heart? Do I speak from emotion? Or maybe I speak from both my heart and emotion?  So join me as I write this blog and see where the words flow.  Before I begin I want to open in prayer:

Dear Father, You see the hurt I am feeling today and the hurt that I have experienced in the past.  You see where I have placed up a wall around my heart, and you see where that wall has fallen. Father as I write today's blog, wether it be from emotion, or from my heart I ask that those that have experienced heartbreak who read my blog, will also experience healing of those walls that they have placed around either all around their heart or just in places.  For those who are experiencing hearts that are completely overwhelmed by hurts I ask that you begin to bring healing.  Let my words be a reflection of your love for us.  In Jesus name I pray Amen!

Wow what a night and what a day!  Talk about the ways in which one person can hurt another and never know in what way we are doing so.  That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." is such a lie.  You can even add actions, secrets, really anything in the place of words, because it all hurts. 

Last night my night consisted of a thunder storm that brought heavy rain, loud claps of thunder, and the brightest lighting I have ever seen.  It also consisted of secrets, and lies.  Not sure what I was scared of most, the thunder storm or the secrets and lies.  I have experienced a lot of heartbreak as many of you who read my blog may have experienced as well.  Some of my heartbreaks were so severe that I closed my heart completely. Other heartbreaks that I have experienced just allowed my to put up a wall around my heart brick by brick where over time my heart was closed off.  When you build a wall around your heart brick by brick it takes a little while to actually enclose your heart.  So there is always a chance that as one brick goes up one comes down.  Walls that go up immediately are there to stay and only walls that Christ can break down.  Walls that go up over a period of time, are hard to tear down, but with love and affection by the person we are protecting our hearts from they can begin to pry the bricks off.  It takes a lot of effort for that person to tear down those walls, but eventually they do come down.  Well what do you do when you build walls, take them down, turn around and build walls and take them down.  Eventually you stop taking the bricks down and keeping them in place, and over time you just stop taking bricks down because that person continually keeps hurting you either in the same way or different ways, and it is tiring building walls all the time.  So much easier to keep one wall up and build another brick.  Over time you will find that your heart is completely blocked off and no amount of anything will cause you to begin tearing down that wall.  It gets to the place where Christ is the only one who can break that wall down, and once that wall is broken down the heart that has been enclosed for days, months, years has withered and dried. 

Why do we build walls around our hearts?  We build walls around our hearts when people we love continually hurt us by their lies and secrets. When those lies and secrets become exposed we use them to build bricks, and this begins the process of building walls.  In the bible it tells us to guard our hearts.  To be honest I am tired of building bricks to protect my heart.  I don't know about you, but building breaks every other day is tiring. 

Three years ago my husband and I went up to the Ranch of Hope where we did 5 days of intensive marriage counseling. During that five days, God gave me a new heart.  I am serious when I say God gave me a new heart.  It was an amazing day!  Those in the room consisted of our counselor, myself and my husband.  We were talking about hurts from the past, and current hurts, when our counselor asked if he could pray, and move out of the way so the Christ could begin to do His thing.  We of course said yes.  Let me back up, I did not want to be there, I had no desire in making this work, my only desire was to be able to say we tried and did everything we could possibly do to make our marriage work and after this long horrid week we would go our separate ways.  Now that was my intention and motive.  God had other ideas!  On this particular day, I was sitting on the couch with my husband beside me and our counselor in front of us, nearly touching our knees.  Our counselor began to pray, and invited Christ to take His place.  This is when the transformation of my heart began.  I could see my heart that was in me, it was black and hard as stone, and God took that and replaced it with a heart that was pink, and full of life.  I know this sounds crazy, but it happened.  I was transformed at that moment and my heart was made new.  See I had just totally closed of my heart, where life could not get into it.  In order for life to begin penetrating my soul, I had to be given a new heart.  I was also given this passage of scripture that day :

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26

Why do I tell you this, because as long as our hearts have a wall around them, nothing can penetrate it.  Gods word needs to penetrate our hearts in order for us to be effective in the world, in our marriage and in our families.  As long as we have this wall, Gods word can't penetrate.  Yes the bible tells us to guard our hearts, but not in the way where we block out the ability to love and be loved.

Proverbs 4:23 "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

If we are not suppose to be building walls around our hearts to protect them, then what do we do to protect our hearts?  Awesome question. it was one that I was asking last night.  I found myself looking at the book of Philippians and found this passage:

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:7

Wow!  So let me put this into my perspective...A few weeks ago I suspected my husband was mot telling me the truth about something, but I let it go thinking okay not a big deal I am overreacting.  The other night my husband was acting very strangely, it appeared as if he were hiding something from me, and when I was watching what he was doing it looked a little put off.  Well last night the truth was found out.  I will let you know that this is not one of those "big sins", but it is a sin no less.  I have said in the past a sin is a sin no matter the sin.  I was hurt because once again, he has lied to me, and was hiding this from me.  So instead of choosing to build a brick to begin to protect my heart, I am going to allow the peace of God to protect my heart for me.  No more brick building for me.  I will not allow the heart that was given to me 3 years ago, to become black and hard as stone, because of one man's decision to cause me heartbreak. No my marriage is far from perfect, we have our problems and we have our struggles.  I stay mad, and he tries to act as nothing is wrong, but I am not going to allow this to cause me to build a wall.  People who think marriage is perfect and without heartache are totally dead wrong.  We are even told in the bible that those who are married :will have trouble in this world (1Corinthians 7:28), what we do with those troubles is our own choice. 

Let me encourage you with this:  If you have a wall completely around your heart, begin to ask Christ to tear down.  If in the process you find that your hear is hard, ask God to give you a new heart.  If you are beginning to build bricks STOP!  Use the peace of God to protect your heart instead of bricks.  Let Gods word begin to penetrate your heart, and heal what has been hardened.

Again, if you are in a place where you are just wanting to call it quits, allow God to minister to you, and seek good solid christian counselors to counsel you.  Begin to allow God to work in your heart, and begin seeing your heart changed, and then your marriage.