Doubting....Who Me?



Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31 ESV)

Over the last several years I have struggled off and on about the faithfulness of God.  Let me just say right now that I truly and honestly believe that God is forever faithful regardless of what I think, how I feel, or what the current situation is whether good or bad.  Maybe struggle is not the right word, but I do doubt.  Doubt actually may even be a better word to use over struggle.  Either way I do one or the other over and over again.  I do this in the good and I do this in the bad.

My walk with my Lord and Savior is one that needs improvement that is for sure.  Maybe if that would improve then maybe my doubt in His ability to handle all my issues would fade.  So looking back over what my family has been through I can honestly say that there have been long periods where I doubted God's faithfulness.  When the cupboards were bare, when the car needed gas, when the boys need clothes, the disconnection notice came, that doubt would turn up its ugly head and say "Ok, now where are you God?"  I know the bible tells us that He cares more about me then the birds in the air.  I even heard that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  Knowing this and believing it are totally two different things.  I knew it!  Not only did I know all this but I really, and I mean really, knew it in my head, but not in my heart. 

So over the last few months (since moving to NC), I have once again had to go through the questions again:  Ok, God you brought us here I guess, so why are things not any better?  Why, did you move us here only to be worse off then we were in CO?  If this is really your will, then why is all my stuff still back in CO?  Why, is that pink elephant in the living room still here?  I really thought things would be different, but here we are in the same situation, and the only difference is I am all alone no mom, dad, sister and church family.  Why, would you have us open this door, and everything be the same?  I had so many questions and what felt like no answers...WHY?  And then I finally hear an answer...."Why, are you doubting what I am doing?  I am trying to fulfill the promise I made.  Yes, it is hard, but you have to trust me and know that I have a plan that is unfolding.  Trust me, I do care about you more then the birds in the air.  Trust me, I have a plan that is the best for you.  I love you!"

We moved to NC for a better life, for us as a family, for a chance to dream again.  You see nothing was happening for us back in CO.  After nearly 4 years of my husband loosing his job, and the 2 years after I lost my job, this is the door that opened.  We began to have dreams and hopes of the way things were going to be once we were together as a family.  However, our dreams and our hopes are not always those of God.  I told my husband that I would not go to work, that this was his doing and he would support us if that meant he would work 3 jobs.  God had different plans.

Recently, I was beginning to feel that I needed to find a job but there is no way I could even begin this process, what if they call for an interview, I don't have a car, what am I going to do about after school care for my son.  There is no way that this is going to work.  Well even through all those questions of how, I really felt like I needed to at least send my resume', so I did.  After I sent my resume' I was beginning to feel like everything was going to be ok.  God would take care of everything if this was His will.  It was different, it was not a head thought it was a heart thought.  As my resume' made its way through internet space to reach its destination, on some unknown persons desk, God was busy at work, preparing a car for me, and after school care for my son.

It was with this realization that made it to my hear...God truly knows what He wants for us, and He begins to work the process.  Even though I was doubting what I could only see, God was faithful.  During those times of not knowing where are next meal was going to come from...we never went without.  Our car never ran out of gas.  This was not just happening, this was God providing and remaining faithful to His promise.  I may not like what I see...but God is there.  I may not want to do what I am being asked to do...but God is there.  I may be scared, worried, whatever...but God is there.  See it does not matter that we doubt, it is better that we don't yes, but God does not stop working.  I do believe that God does not like it when we doubt, but He does not stop loving us, and wants to see His promises, His plans to be fulfilled in our lives. 

I can see over the last several years even though I doubted Gods promises, I never doubted what God could do. I think the difference now is that I don't just believe with my head, I believe with my heart.  See our relationship with Christ is a heart relationship not a head relationship.  God still fulfills His promises and His plans even if we doubt, and believe with our heads that He will do what He says. I will go as far to say that I think it slows the process down.  We need to move past the head and get focused on our relationship with Christ at the heart level.  If we would do this I think the promises and plans that Christ has for each us would fulfilled a lot quicker.

Yes, God is forever faithful to keep His promises! It may seem like forever for us, but it is just a moment in time for Him. This has been a long time coming for us, but He has provided for us every step of the way, even when we became discouraged, doubtful and full of fear He was always there!  Like the poem "Footprints in the Sand" says, when we only see one set of footprints, that is when Christ is carrying us.  He has been carrying me for a long time, because of my doubt, but now it is time for me to begin walking beside Him, and allowing Him to lead me with my hand in His.

Don't quit.  Don't give up!  This is a lesson I learn and forget over and over...God has a plan for each of us and that plan unfolds itself each and every day, until His promise to us is fulfilled.  Hang in there!

In Pursuit of the Heart

This blog post has been awhile in the making.  I have written it, deleted it, re-written and deleted, not just once by many times over the last several weeks.  Why?  This is the area in my relationship with both my Savior and my husband that I struggle with.  I know what I need to be doing, but I can find a million and one excuses for not doing.  So this is as much for me as it is for you.  If you find yourself struggling with these two very significant relationships I hope my thoughts will be of help.

In every relationship there are rules that we all follow.  Whether we are aware of those rules or not we follow them.  Those rules are the "secret code" that builds a relationship.  My relationship with my friends differ greatly.  My relationship with my children is different between each child.  My relationship with my spouse is above all different from any other relationship.  Most importantly my relationship with Christ is far more different then any relationship I have with anyone here on earth.  What makes each of these relationships different?  It is the "secret code" that we follow which is established from the very beginning of any relationship.  That "secret code" is different from one relationship to the next and it changes over time.  This "secret code" is what allows us to open up our hearts to those we have strong relationships with that last over a lifetime.  When one is blessed with such a relationship we do everything we can to protect that relationship and grow that relationship, so that whatever is going on in our lives we can share openly with each other the good or bad.  To be honest, that type of relationship is hard to find, but when we are married, and have a relationship with Christ we have that type of relationship.  We have a relationship in a marriage where we are in pursuit of our spouses heart, the same way we are in pursuit of the heart of God.  That is why marriage is something that you just can't "try on" when just living with someone.  The dynamic of a marriage is such that it resembles the relationship we have with our Father.  We are in pursuit of the heart in each of these two relationships.  So that raises the question how do we pursue the heart of our Saviour and the heart of our spouse?

When we are in pursuit of our Saviors heart we should be spending countless hours seeking Him.  We seek Him when we communicate with Him, by praying, listening, and waiting.  We even spend time in His word, seeking His will for us, and seeking His heart.  As our relationship with Christ grows, we begin to see changes in our lives, in our families, and in our marriages.  Our relationship with Christ grows as we begin to build that relationship.  As with any relationship if we don't work on it, it can and does grow cold.  The difference with this relationship, is that Christ welcomes us and gives us a chance to pick ourselves up when we fail at doing this relationship building, and allows us to start again.  He never gives up on us.  He never makes us start over.  He allows us to begin right where we left off.  His love has no conditions placed on it.  He forgives and forgets.

When we are in pursuit of the heart of our spouse, it should be no different then pursuing the heart of God.  We need to communicate, listen and wait.  I am talking about communication beyond "How was your day?".  I am talking about communication that gets to the heart.  When we love someone, we want to get into their heart.  We want to know beyond the words "I am ok", exactly how they feel deep down in the heart.  We want and need to get to the heart of the matter.  If you rarely communicate with your spouse outside the "How was your day?", this is going to take work and simply the longer you have been married the harder it is to get past that.  So how do you begin to pursue the heart of you spouse?  You start by setting time aside everyday to begin building a relationship that reflects trust.  You have to trust your spouse if you are going to open your heart.  If trust is an issue, start with simple things, before your open your heart and spill everything out.  Not only will this begin a process of building trust, and your spouse will not be overwhelmed when you get to the heart issues.  Simple things that include most current events, not the things that you are holding on to from long ago.  Start by asking questions that seem "silly".  Questions like "What is your favorite ice cream?" or " If you could drive any car you wanted what would it be?" You will begin to find out that as you ask these "silly" questions the more difficult question will be easier to answer and your heart will begin to open up. Remember communication is a two way street.  One speaks, the other listens, and then the other repeats what they heard.  Then you repeat this with the other person.  One of the things I learned during a seminar that my husband I went to is to use a ball.  You speak when you have the ball, you listen when you don't.  A good practice that I am thinking of trying again in my own relationship with my husband.  I have a tendency to speak when it is not my turn.  Once communication is learned, and trust is built then the heart will begin to open up.

So begin the pursuit of the heart of our spouse as you begin the pursuit of the heart of God and see what transforms in both relationships.  Really, what could it hurt?

I will be working on both of these relationships, and am excited to see the transformation in both.

I welcome comments to this post and any of my previous post.