This blog post has been awhile in the making. I have written it, deleted it, re-written and deleted, not just once by many times over the last several weeks. Why? This is the area in my relationship with both my Savior and my husband that I struggle with. I know what I need to be doing, but I can find a million and one excuses for not doing. So this is as much for me as it is for you. If you find yourself struggling with these two very significant relationships I hope my thoughts will be of help.
In every relationship there are rules that we all follow. Whether we are aware of those rules or not we follow them. Those rules are the "secret code" that builds a relationship. My relationship with my friends differ greatly. My relationship with my children is different between each child. My relationship with my spouse is above all different from any other relationship. Most importantly my relationship with Christ is far more different then any relationship I have with anyone here on earth. What makes each of these relationships different? It is the "secret code" that we follow which is established from the very beginning of any relationship. That "secret code" is different from one relationship to the next and it changes over time. This "secret code" is what allows us to open up our hearts to those we have strong relationships with that last over a lifetime. When one is blessed with such a relationship we do everything we can to protect that relationship and grow that relationship, so that whatever is going on in our lives we can share openly with each other the good or bad. To be honest, that type of relationship is hard to find, but when we are married, and have a relationship with Christ we have that type of relationship. We have a relationship in a marriage where we are in pursuit of our spouses heart, the same way we are in pursuit of the heart of God. That is why marriage is something that you just can't "try on" when just living with someone. The dynamic of a marriage is such that it resembles the relationship we have with our Father. We are in pursuit of the heart in each of these two relationships. So that raises the question how do we pursue the heart of our Saviour and the heart of our spouse?
When we are in pursuit of our Saviors heart we should be spending countless hours seeking Him. We seek Him when we communicate with Him, by praying, listening, and waiting. We even spend time in His word, seeking His will for us, and seeking His heart. As our relationship with Christ grows, we begin to see changes in our lives, in our families, and in our marriages. Our relationship with Christ grows as we begin to build that relationship. As with any relationship if we don't work on it, it can and does grow cold. The difference with this relationship, is that Christ welcomes us and gives us a chance to pick ourselves up when we fail at doing this relationship building, and allows us to start again. He never gives up on us. He never makes us start over. He allows us to begin right where we left off. His love has no conditions placed on it. He forgives and forgets.
When we are in pursuit of the heart of our spouse, it should be no different then pursuing the heart of God. We need to communicate, listen and wait. I am talking about communication beyond "How was your day?". I am talking about communication that gets to the heart. When we love someone, we want to get into their heart. We want to know beyond the words "I am ok", exactly how they feel deep down in the heart. We want and need to get to the heart of the matter. If you rarely communicate with your spouse outside the "How was your day?", this is going to take work and simply the longer you have been married the harder it is to get past that. So how do you begin to pursue the heart of you spouse? You start by setting time aside everyday to begin building a relationship that reflects trust. You have to trust your spouse if you are going to open your heart. If trust is an issue, start with simple things, before your open your heart and spill everything out. Not only will this begin a process of building trust, and your spouse will not be overwhelmed when you get to the heart issues. Simple things that include most current events, not the things that you are holding on to from long ago. Start by asking questions that seem "silly". Questions like "What is your favorite ice cream?" or " If you could drive any car you wanted what would it be?" You will begin to find out that as you ask these "silly" questions the more difficult question will be easier to answer and your heart will begin to open up. Remember communication is a two way street. One speaks, the other listens, and then the other repeats what they heard. Then you repeat this with the other person. One of the things I learned during a seminar that my husband I went to is to use a ball. You speak when you have the ball, you listen when you don't. A good practice that I am thinking of trying again in my own relationship with my husband. I have a tendency to speak when it is not my turn. Once communication is learned, and trust is built then the heart will begin to open up.
So begin the pursuit of the heart of our spouse as you begin the pursuit of the heart of God and see what transforms in both relationships. Really, what could it hurt?
I will be working on both of these relationships, and am excited to see the transformation in both.
I welcome comments to this post and any of my previous post.
In every relationship there are rules that we all follow. Whether we are aware of those rules or not we follow them. Those rules are the "secret code" that builds a relationship. My relationship with my friends differ greatly. My relationship with my children is different between each child. My relationship with my spouse is above all different from any other relationship. Most importantly my relationship with Christ is far more different then any relationship I have with anyone here on earth. What makes each of these relationships different? It is the "secret code" that we follow which is established from the very beginning of any relationship. That "secret code" is different from one relationship to the next and it changes over time. This "secret code" is what allows us to open up our hearts to those we have strong relationships with that last over a lifetime. When one is blessed with such a relationship we do everything we can to protect that relationship and grow that relationship, so that whatever is going on in our lives we can share openly with each other the good or bad. To be honest, that type of relationship is hard to find, but when we are married, and have a relationship with Christ we have that type of relationship. We have a relationship in a marriage where we are in pursuit of our spouses heart, the same way we are in pursuit of the heart of God. That is why marriage is something that you just can't "try on" when just living with someone. The dynamic of a marriage is such that it resembles the relationship we have with our Father. We are in pursuit of the heart in each of these two relationships. So that raises the question how do we pursue the heart of our Saviour and the heart of our spouse?
When we are in pursuit of our Saviors heart we should be spending countless hours seeking Him. We seek Him when we communicate with Him, by praying, listening, and waiting. We even spend time in His word, seeking His will for us, and seeking His heart. As our relationship with Christ grows, we begin to see changes in our lives, in our families, and in our marriages. Our relationship with Christ grows as we begin to build that relationship. As with any relationship if we don't work on it, it can and does grow cold. The difference with this relationship, is that Christ welcomes us and gives us a chance to pick ourselves up when we fail at doing this relationship building, and allows us to start again. He never gives up on us. He never makes us start over. He allows us to begin right where we left off. His love has no conditions placed on it. He forgives and forgets.
When we are in pursuit of the heart of our spouse, it should be no different then pursuing the heart of God. We need to communicate, listen and wait. I am talking about communication beyond "How was your day?". I am talking about communication that gets to the heart. When we love someone, we want to get into their heart. We want to know beyond the words "I am ok", exactly how they feel deep down in the heart. We want and need to get to the heart of the matter. If you rarely communicate with your spouse outside the "How was your day?", this is going to take work and simply the longer you have been married the harder it is to get past that. So how do you begin to pursue the heart of you spouse? You start by setting time aside everyday to begin building a relationship that reflects trust. You have to trust your spouse if you are going to open your heart. If trust is an issue, start with simple things, before your open your heart and spill everything out. Not only will this begin a process of building trust, and your spouse will not be overwhelmed when you get to the heart issues. Simple things that include most current events, not the things that you are holding on to from long ago. Start by asking questions that seem "silly". Questions like "What is your favorite ice cream?" or " If you could drive any car you wanted what would it be?" You will begin to find out that as you ask these "silly" questions the more difficult question will be easier to answer and your heart will begin to open up. Remember communication is a two way street. One speaks, the other listens, and then the other repeats what they heard. Then you repeat this with the other person. One of the things I learned during a seminar that my husband I went to is to use a ball. You speak when you have the ball, you listen when you don't. A good practice that I am thinking of trying again in my own relationship with my husband. I have a tendency to speak when it is not my turn. Once communication is learned, and trust is built then the heart will begin to open up.
So begin the pursuit of the heart of our spouse as you begin the pursuit of the heart of God and see what transforms in both relationships. Really, what could it hurt?
I will be working on both of these relationships, and am excited to see the transformation in both.
I welcome comments to this post and any of my previous post.
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