Doubting....Who Me?



Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31 ESV)

Over the last several years I have struggled off and on about the faithfulness of God.  Let me just say right now that I truly and honestly believe that God is forever faithful regardless of what I think, how I feel, or what the current situation is whether good or bad.  Maybe struggle is not the right word, but I do doubt.  Doubt actually may even be a better word to use over struggle.  Either way I do one or the other over and over again.  I do this in the good and I do this in the bad.

My walk with my Lord and Savior is one that needs improvement that is for sure.  Maybe if that would improve then maybe my doubt in His ability to handle all my issues would fade.  So looking back over what my family has been through I can honestly say that there have been long periods where I doubted God's faithfulness.  When the cupboards were bare, when the car needed gas, when the boys need clothes, the disconnection notice came, that doubt would turn up its ugly head and say "Ok, now where are you God?"  I know the bible tells us that He cares more about me then the birds in the air.  I even heard that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  Knowing this and believing it are totally two different things.  I knew it!  Not only did I know all this but I really, and I mean really, knew it in my head, but not in my heart. 

So over the last few months (since moving to NC), I have once again had to go through the questions again:  Ok, God you brought us here I guess, so why are things not any better?  Why, did you move us here only to be worse off then we were in CO?  If this is really your will, then why is all my stuff still back in CO?  Why, is that pink elephant in the living room still here?  I really thought things would be different, but here we are in the same situation, and the only difference is I am all alone no mom, dad, sister and church family.  Why, would you have us open this door, and everything be the same?  I had so many questions and what felt like no answers...WHY?  And then I finally hear an answer...."Why, are you doubting what I am doing?  I am trying to fulfill the promise I made.  Yes, it is hard, but you have to trust me and know that I have a plan that is unfolding.  Trust me, I do care about you more then the birds in the air.  Trust me, I have a plan that is the best for you.  I love you!"

We moved to NC for a better life, for us as a family, for a chance to dream again.  You see nothing was happening for us back in CO.  After nearly 4 years of my husband loosing his job, and the 2 years after I lost my job, this is the door that opened.  We began to have dreams and hopes of the way things were going to be once we were together as a family.  However, our dreams and our hopes are not always those of God.  I told my husband that I would not go to work, that this was his doing and he would support us if that meant he would work 3 jobs.  God had different plans.

Recently, I was beginning to feel that I needed to find a job but there is no way I could even begin this process, what if they call for an interview, I don't have a car, what am I going to do about after school care for my son.  There is no way that this is going to work.  Well even through all those questions of how, I really felt like I needed to at least send my resume', so I did.  After I sent my resume' I was beginning to feel like everything was going to be ok.  God would take care of everything if this was His will.  It was different, it was not a head thought it was a heart thought.  As my resume' made its way through internet space to reach its destination, on some unknown persons desk, God was busy at work, preparing a car for me, and after school care for my son.

It was with this realization that made it to my hear...God truly knows what He wants for us, and He begins to work the process.  Even though I was doubting what I could only see, God was faithful.  During those times of not knowing where are next meal was going to come from...we never went without.  Our car never ran out of gas.  This was not just happening, this was God providing and remaining faithful to His promise.  I may not like what I see...but God is there.  I may not want to do what I am being asked to do...but God is there.  I may be scared, worried, whatever...but God is there.  See it does not matter that we doubt, it is better that we don't yes, but God does not stop working.  I do believe that God does not like it when we doubt, but He does not stop loving us, and wants to see His promises, His plans to be fulfilled in our lives. 

I can see over the last several years even though I doubted Gods promises, I never doubted what God could do. I think the difference now is that I don't just believe with my head, I believe with my heart.  See our relationship with Christ is a heart relationship not a head relationship.  God still fulfills His promises and His plans even if we doubt, and believe with our heads that He will do what He says. I will go as far to say that I think it slows the process down.  We need to move past the head and get focused on our relationship with Christ at the heart level.  If we would do this I think the promises and plans that Christ has for each us would fulfilled a lot quicker.

Yes, God is forever faithful to keep His promises! It may seem like forever for us, but it is just a moment in time for Him. This has been a long time coming for us, but He has provided for us every step of the way, even when we became discouraged, doubtful and full of fear He was always there!  Like the poem "Footprints in the Sand" says, when we only see one set of footprints, that is when Christ is carrying us.  He has been carrying me for a long time, because of my doubt, but now it is time for me to begin walking beside Him, and allowing Him to lead me with my hand in His.

Don't quit.  Don't give up!  This is a lesson I learn and forget over and over...God has a plan for each of us and that plan unfolds itself each and every day, until His promise to us is fulfilled.  Hang in there!

In Pursuit of the Heart

This blog post has been awhile in the making.  I have written it, deleted it, re-written and deleted, not just once by many times over the last several weeks.  Why?  This is the area in my relationship with both my Savior and my husband that I struggle with.  I know what I need to be doing, but I can find a million and one excuses for not doing.  So this is as much for me as it is for you.  If you find yourself struggling with these two very significant relationships I hope my thoughts will be of help.

In every relationship there are rules that we all follow.  Whether we are aware of those rules or not we follow them.  Those rules are the "secret code" that builds a relationship.  My relationship with my friends differ greatly.  My relationship with my children is different between each child.  My relationship with my spouse is above all different from any other relationship.  Most importantly my relationship with Christ is far more different then any relationship I have with anyone here on earth.  What makes each of these relationships different?  It is the "secret code" that we follow which is established from the very beginning of any relationship.  That "secret code" is different from one relationship to the next and it changes over time.  This "secret code" is what allows us to open up our hearts to those we have strong relationships with that last over a lifetime.  When one is blessed with such a relationship we do everything we can to protect that relationship and grow that relationship, so that whatever is going on in our lives we can share openly with each other the good or bad.  To be honest, that type of relationship is hard to find, but when we are married, and have a relationship with Christ we have that type of relationship.  We have a relationship in a marriage where we are in pursuit of our spouses heart, the same way we are in pursuit of the heart of God.  That is why marriage is something that you just can't "try on" when just living with someone.  The dynamic of a marriage is such that it resembles the relationship we have with our Father.  We are in pursuit of the heart in each of these two relationships.  So that raises the question how do we pursue the heart of our Saviour and the heart of our spouse?

When we are in pursuit of our Saviors heart we should be spending countless hours seeking Him.  We seek Him when we communicate with Him, by praying, listening, and waiting.  We even spend time in His word, seeking His will for us, and seeking His heart.  As our relationship with Christ grows, we begin to see changes in our lives, in our families, and in our marriages.  Our relationship with Christ grows as we begin to build that relationship.  As with any relationship if we don't work on it, it can and does grow cold.  The difference with this relationship, is that Christ welcomes us and gives us a chance to pick ourselves up when we fail at doing this relationship building, and allows us to start again.  He never gives up on us.  He never makes us start over.  He allows us to begin right where we left off.  His love has no conditions placed on it.  He forgives and forgets.

When we are in pursuit of the heart of our spouse, it should be no different then pursuing the heart of God.  We need to communicate, listen and wait.  I am talking about communication beyond "How was your day?".  I am talking about communication that gets to the heart.  When we love someone, we want to get into their heart.  We want to know beyond the words "I am ok", exactly how they feel deep down in the heart.  We want and need to get to the heart of the matter.  If you rarely communicate with your spouse outside the "How was your day?", this is going to take work and simply the longer you have been married the harder it is to get past that.  So how do you begin to pursue the heart of you spouse?  You start by setting time aside everyday to begin building a relationship that reflects trust.  You have to trust your spouse if you are going to open your heart.  If trust is an issue, start with simple things, before your open your heart and spill everything out.  Not only will this begin a process of building trust, and your spouse will not be overwhelmed when you get to the heart issues.  Simple things that include most current events, not the things that you are holding on to from long ago.  Start by asking questions that seem "silly".  Questions like "What is your favorite ice cream?" or " If you could drive any car you wanted what would it be?" You will begin to find out that as you ask these "silly" questions the more difficult question will be easier to answer and your heart will begin to open up. Remember communication is a two way street.  One speaks, the other listens, and then the other repeats what they heard.  Then you repeat this with the other person.  One of the things I learned during a seminar that my husband I went to is to use a ball.  You speak when you have the ball, you listen when you don't.  A good practice that I am thinking of trying again in my own relationship with my husband.  I have a tendency to speak when it is not my turn.  Once communication is learned, and trust is built then the heart will begin to open up.

So begin the pursuit of the heart of our spouse as you begin the pursuit of the heart of God and see what transforms in both relationships.  Really, what could it hurt?

I will be working on both of these relationships, and am excited to see the transformation in both.

I welcome comments to this post and any of my previous post.

L.O.V.E.

L= Living for the Lord (First)

     Living for each other (Second)

O=Overlooking each others faults

V=Viewing each other in the light of Gods word and way

E=Expectations - Don't set them to high and give them to the Lord

I am not at all an expert on marriage.  I learn from my mistakes, and I listen to the biblical advise given to me and my husband by those that I have come to trust.  So begins this post on L.O.V.E.

Our pastor and his wife celebrated 40 years of marriage this past Sunday...40 YEARS!!!  I could only say WOW, as is my reaction almost every time I hear of long lasting marriages.  I have a hard time seeing my husband and I married that long.  I pray that we are, but as I have mentioned in previous post, my husband and I have gone through hell and back in a hand basket in regards to our marriage.  So what makes a marriage work?  What causes couples to fight the hard fight to save their marriages from the grips of the enemies hands? I hope I can answer those questions, using my experience and looking at Gods word.

Today I am looking at that all familiar passage found in Ephesians 5:22-33.  I know its that dreaded passage about wives submitting to our husbands.  I will be totally up front and honest with each of you reading this...I am not at all the submissive wife.  Those who are reading my blog that have counseled me and my husband, and those who know me well, know that I am far from being submissive.  I speak my mind, I speak from my heart.  I am very vocal.  I hold back nothing when it comes to telling someone how I feel.  I will say here now, that this is an area in which I have come to ask Christ to work with me on.  Do I think that as wives we need to live under the thumb of our husbands...NO!.  Do I think that as wives we need to live under the direction of our husbands...YES!  This passage of scripture talks about what a godly marriage is suppose to look like.  This is what I want for my marriage!  So many people stop at that word "submissive" and fail to look any further at this passage.  A wife can only be submissive as long as she is married to a godly man, who tries to love his wife as Christ loves the Church.  Marriage is a description of how Christ loves, protects and leads the Church.

So while looking at this passage in Ephesians and the above acronym let's begin to explore how the two fit together. 

L= Living for the Lord (First),Living for each other (Second) 

First and for most our individual lives, and the life of our marriage must be living for the Lord.  We can not have a marriage, that reflects a godly marriage if our own lives don't reflect that we live according to the will of God.  If we are not living a life that reflects the love and will of God towards others then our marriage will not reflect that either.  If we ourselves as individuals are not spending time growing our relationship with Christ, then our marriage suffers and we can not have strong healthy marriages.  We have to choose to live for the Lord daily, and once we do that then that will begin to reflect in our marriages and our marriages will be able to handle the storms that come.  Once we begin living for the Lord, then we can begin living for each other.  This will reflect in our marriages as a respect for each other, no matter the trials.  If we don't respect, we don't love.

 

O=Overlooking each others faults

 

To overlook means to fail to notice.  I am horrible at this on my own.  I notice every mistake my husband makes.  So how do we "fail to notice" each others faults.  We focus our eyes on Christ.  We begin to look to Christ and not look at our spouse standing in front of us.  We have to choose to look to Christ for our everything.  Why?  As long as we look at our spouse standing in front of us, and expect them to meet every one of our needs they fail.  No amount of anything, yelling, ignoring, whatever will keep them from failing us. We must first choose to focus our eyes on Christ.  David tells us in Psalm 121 to lift up our eyes because that is where our help comes from.  So if we are focusing our eyes on Christ, we can overlook the faults of our spouse.  This is something you must choose to do daily!  Guess what...If we are living for the Lord and choosing to make this decision daily, the ability to overlook our spouses faults will be easier.  Why?  Because our eyes will be focused on what they need to be focused on from the time we get up to the time we go to bed, and that is on our Lord.

 

 

V=Viewing each other in the light of Gods word and way

 

This is something that all couples must strive to do daily.  Marriages can not survive the attacks of the enemy as long as the marriage is not grounded in the word of God.  Just like your individual relationship with Christ, your marriage needs to have a relationship with Christ as well.  Marriages are only as strong as the word they are built on.  If your marriage sees attack after attack from the enemy, maybe it is time to begin to start building your marriage on the word of God.  Get into the word!  Once you begin to view each other in the word and the way of God, then you can begin to do battle with the enemy.  The enemy is busy at work, destroying marriages and families.  This is an area in which he knows he can easily win.  Why?  Because so many couples just throw up their hands and say I am done, I no longer want to do this.  You want to know something...I believe that if your marriage begins to seek the word of the Lord daily, the battles you face will not overcome you.  The enemy is scared of Gods word.  Begin to seek God's word for your marriage together, and see the battles that have plagued your marriage begin to subside.  I know that this is an area that my husband and I certainly need to work on.

 

 

E=Expectations - Don't set them to high and give them to the Lord

Boy do I have expectations for my husband as he does me.  Does he meet my expectations? Not by a long shot! Do I meet his?  Nope I fall short every time. Does anyone meet our expectations? How about our children?  We set expectations for everyone.  God only expects one thing from us and that is to serve Him with all of our heart and soul.  Expectations are those things that we set up for our spouse to fail at.  I know that there are good expectations and there are bad expectations.  However, we always seem to set our expectations so high that we set up our spouse for failure.  We play games..He/She met that expectation so lets set this one up just a little bit higher, and eventually the expectations are set so high no one can meet them.  We need to set expectations that are realistic, and more importantly we need to give them to the Lord, so that our spouses can have the help they need to reach them.  How do we do this?  We get into the word of God, we give our spouse to God, we give our marriage to God.  When we do this, then expectations won't be an issue because God is control.

I know I have a lot to work on.  My marriage is far from perfect.  We have our daily struggles, and seem to go through the same fire over and over.  I took the acronym that our pastor gave us before his sermon and prayed about it and asked God to show me how to apply this in my marriage.  This is the product of that prayer.  I hope it will encourage you. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 is not just about wives being submissive.  It also tells the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church.  Wives being submissive and husbands loving their wives is only do able as long as we are daily building our relationships with Christ individually and as couples.  Don't beat yourselves up when you fail, we are human, and far from perfect.  Don't give up either when we fail to keep our eyes focused on the One who matters.  I drop my eyes down often, actually more times then I care to mention.  However,God in His awesomeness, loves us unconditionally, and gives us the the opportunity to keep on trying.  Begin to rely on Christ to strengthen your marriage, and strengthen you.  I know that marriage is hard, Paul even tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that we will have trouble in our marriage, but as long as we are building strong marriages that are grounded in Gods word we will have the ability to stand and fight when the enemy attacks.

My prayer for each of you who reads this blog is that it will encourage you to fight the hard fight.  This is also a prayer for myself and my marriage.  Hang in there, don't give up, God wants to see marriages strong and healthy.  I will say it again...My marriage is far from perfect, but we try daily, and know that God wants our marriage and our family together.  The enemy is busy trying to destroy marriages because of what they stand for.  So stand and fight, for your marriage and all marriages.  Know that I am praying for all of you!

 

Guard Your Heart!

So where do I begin this blog today?  Do I speak from my heart? Do I speak from emotion? Or maybe I speak from both my heart and emotion?  So join me as I write this blog and see where the words flow.  Before I begin I want to open in prayer:

Dear Father, You see the hurt I am feeling today and the hurt that I have experienced in the past.  You see where I have placed up a wall around my heart, and you see where that wall has fallen. Father as I write today's blog, wether it be from emotion, or from my heart I ask that those that have experienced heartbreak who read my blog, will also experience healing of those walls that they have placed around either all around their heart or just in places.  For those who are experiencing hearts that are completely overwhelmed by hurts I ask that you begin to bring healing.  Let my words be a reflection of your love for us.  In Jesus name I pray Amen!

Wow what a night and what a day!  Talk about the ways in which one person can hurt another and never know in what way we are doing so.  That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." is such a lie.  You can even add actions, secrets, really anything in the place of words, because it all hurts. 

Last night my night consisted of a thunder storm that brought heavy rain, loud claps of thunder, and the brightest lighting I have ever seen.  It also consisted of secrets, and lies.  Not sure what I was scared of most, the thunder storm or the secrets and lies.  I have experienced a lot of heartbreak as many of you who read my blog may have experienced as well.  Some of my heartbreaks were so severe that I closed my heart completely. Other heartbreaks that I have experienced just allowed my to put up a wall around my heart brick by brick where over time my heart was closed off.  When you build a wall around your heart brick by brick it takes a little while to actually enclose your heart.  So there is always a chance that as one brick goes up one comes down.  Walls that go up immediately are there to stay and only walls that Christ can break down.  Walls that go up over a period of time, are hard to tear down, but with love and affection by the person we are protecting our hearts from they can begin to pry the bricks off.  It takes a lot of effort for that person to tear down those walls, but eventually they do come down.  Well what do you do when you build walls, take them down, turn around and build walls and take them down.  Eventually you stop taking the bricks down and keeping them in place, and over time you just stop taking bricks down because that person continually keeps hurting you either in the same way or different ways, and it is tiring building walls all the time.  So much easier to keep one wall up and build another brick.  Over time you will find that your heart is completely blocked off and no amount of anything will cause you to begin tearing down that wall.  It gets to the place where Christ is the only one who can break that wall down, and once that wall is broken down the heart that has been enclosed for days, months, years has withered and dried. 

Why do we build walls around our hearts?  We build walls around our hearts when people we love continually hurt us by their lies and secrets. When those lies and secrets become exposed we use them to build bricks, and this begins the process of building walls.  In the bible it tells us to guard our hearts.  To be honest I am tired of building bricks to protect my heart.  I don't know about you, but building breaks every other day is tiring. 

Three years ago my husband and I went up to the Ranch of Hope where we did 5 days of intensive marriage counseling. During that five days, God gave me a new heart.  I am serious when I say God gave me a new heart.  It was an amazing day!  Those in the room consisted of our counselor, myself and my husband.  We were talking about hurts from the past, and current hurts, when our counselor asked if he could pray, and move out of the way so the Christ could begin to do His thing.  We of course said yes.  Let me back up, I did not want to be there, I had no desire in making this work, my only desire was to be able to say we tried and did everything we could possibly do to make our marriage work and after this long horrid week we would go our separate ways.  Now that was my intention and motive.  God had other ideas!  On this particular day, I was sitting on the couch with my husband beside me and our counselor in front of us, nearly touching our knees.  Our counselor began to pray, and invited Christ to take His place.  This is when the transformation of my heart began.  I could see my heart that was in me, it was black and hard as stone, and God took that and replaced it with a heart that was pink, and full of life.  I know this sounds crazy, but it happened.  I was transformed at that moment and my heart was made new.  See I had just totally closed of my heart, where life could not get into it.  In order for life to begin penetrating my soul, I had to be given a new heart.  I was also given this passage of scripture that day :

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26

Why do I tell you this, because as long as our hearts have a wall around them, nothing can penetrate it.  Gods word needs to penetrate our hearts in order for us to be effective in the world, in our marriage and in our families.  As long as we have this wall, Gods word can't penetrate.  Yes the bible tells us to guard our hearts, but not in the way where we block out the ability to love and be loved.

Proverbs 4:23 "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

If we are not suppose to be building walls around our hearts to protect them, then what do we do to protect our hearts?  Awesome question. it was one that I was asking last night.  I found myself looking at the book of Philippians and found this passage:

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:7

Wow!  So let me put this into my perspective...A few weeks ago I suspected my husband was mot telling me the truth about something, but I let it go thinking okay not a big deal I am overreacting.  The other night my husband was acting very strangely, it appeared as if he were hiding something from me, and when I was watching what he was doing it looked a little put off.  Well last night the truth was found out.  I will let you know that this is not one of those "big sins", but it is a sin no less.  I have said in the past a sin is a sin no matter the sin.  I was hurt because once again, he has lied to me, and was hiding this from me.  So instead of choosing to build a brick to begin to protect my heart, I am going to allow the peace of God to protect my heart for me.  No more brick building for me.  I will not allow the heart that was given to me 3 years ago, to become black and hard as stone, because of one man's decision to cause me heartbreak. No my marriage is far from perfect, we have our problems and we have our struggles.  I stay mad, and he tries to act as nothing is wrong, but I am not going to allow this to cause me to build a wall.  People who think marriage is perfect and without heartache are totally dead wrong.  We are even told in the bible that those who are married :will have trouble in this world (1Corinthians 7:28), what we do with those troubles is our own choice. 

Let me encourage you with this:  If you have a wall completely around your heart, begin to ask Christ to tear down.  If in the process you find that your hear is hard, ask God to give you a new heart.  If you are beginning to build bricks STOP!  Use the peace of God to protect your heart instead of bricks.  Let Gods word begin to penetrate your heart, and heal what has been hardened.

Again, if you are in a place where you are just wanting to call it quits, allow God to minister to you, and seek good solid christian counselors to counsel you.  Begin to allow God to work in your heart, and begin seeing your heart changed, and then your marriage. 

A Life Made Beautiful

Over the last few days, I have been looking back over my life. Not to dwell on the things that I did or did not do, but because God has impressed upon my heart to go into counseling.  Now this is not anything new, it has been a thought and passion of mine for several years. Yet, I have wondered why me?  You know like Moses, arguing with God and coming up with a million and one excuses why God could not use him.  Instead of giving up on Moses, God looked at him and said okay you will do what I am asking you to do and here is Aaron to help you.  Well God has allowed me to put this off, and has listened to all my excuses and has told me now is the time and here is your husband to help you.  Not only is now the time, but he has given me a passion for families, and marriages.  Of all people I know, trust me, I have asked why me many times.  After all I am the one who ran away, got married, got divorced, remarried, nearly destroyed my marriage.  Why on earth would He want me to family counseling and marriage counseling?  What do I have to offer?  With that last question asked and after a friend said to me "because you have lived through it all."  did I realize I was the right person for this.  So I must remember God does not call the qualified He qualifies the called.  So I guess that means since I have lived through so much, that my call has been qualified because God has called me.

There are a lot of people who don't see or hear the message that God can take a person so ugly (sinful) and make them into something new and beautiful.  I look at my life and see the amazing things God did, before I gave my life to Him and after.  You may be asking how could God do anything amazing in my life when I was not following Him?  I would like to believe that His hand of protection and guidance were covering me because of the prayers from a praying mom.

The shortened version of my life:

I remember a very cold (and it was VERY cold)  night right after I ran away.  My boyfriend and I had no place to go (smart planning huh), so we slept in a truck cuddled together with not even a blanket... freezing.  That was the beginning of things to come.  After that for several months (I can say we were never homeless), but close enough to being homeless.  We lived in a motel, and this motel was not the Holiday Inn.  It was one of those run down motels along Santa Fe Drive in Denver.  If you know where Santa Fe is in Denver then you will know where I am talking about.  It was a run down motel just across from Cinderella City Mall (remember that mall?).  Oh how I felt like trash.  I felt totally worthless, unlovable, you name it I felt it.  I was scared, ashamed, and  felt totally isolated from anyone that truly loved me.  It was at this time, when I saw a glimpse of the horrible man that I was soon to marry. 

After being married to this man for 8 years, I began seeking away out of this marriage.  I was not a christian at this time, however I "knew" what the bible said about divorce.  Divorce is wrong.  If you get divorced and remarry you are committing adultery and going to hell no matter what.  Here I was being abused by a man who would drink and become abusive.  He always tried to hit me anywhere that no one would see bruises, and if he did happen to hit me someplace where a bruise was obvious I would just stay inside, and hide myself away until the bruises faded enough that I could cover it up.  I seem to remember always (if not always pretty darn close) wearing long sleeved shirts even in the summer time.  So out of desperation I decided to go and see a pastor at the church I grew up in.  I was really desperate!  So after speaking to this pastor and telling him about the abuse, this pastor looked at me and said "If Christ died on the cross for your sins don't you think you can handle a little bit of pain yourself."  What?!?!?  Wow that really made me stop and think.  Yes Christ died for me, I knew that, but I never made a commitment to Christ, so why should this apply to me?   Some how this must have applied if someday I would choose to surrender my life to Christ.  So with my head down I walked out of that church feeling once again, dirty, ashamed, because how could I even be thinking about divorcing this man.  That day I went home determined to change my marriage on my own only to experience more abuse over the next two years.  Finally, after talking to several people, and having the feeling that I needed to get out NOW...I packed up an over night bag, told my husband that I was going to Washington State, hopped on a plane and went to Minnesota.

Over the the course of the next several months I met and fell in love with "my knight in shinning armour".  I was divorced, and remarried pretty quickly.  That is when the shame of committing adultery really began to plague me.  I was a horrible person, and you might as well have placed a scarlet "S" smack dab onto my forehead.  Talk about shame!  I was feeling the most awful shame a human could feel.  My husband was even committing adultery because he married me a divorced women and he was in school to become a minister, how on earth was that going to look.  There is no way that anybody would allow him to preach the gospel behind a pulpit with a wife who is divorced and remarried.  Not only was I committing a horrible sin, but so was my husband.  I had doomed us both to hell. 

While my husband was doing his student pastoral internship in Oregon, I found out that I was pregnant.  Things were not at all good in Oregon.  My husband hated his internship, our living situation was not at all like we were told it would be, and my husband and I did nothing but fight.  I knew that this was all because God was trying to use my husband, but he could not because of me.  After all we were unequally yoked.  Our son was born, and the immediate feeling of unconditional love swept over me.  I have never known that type of love.  Yes my parents loved me unconditionally but I never personally experienced loving someone unconditionally.  Over the course of the next few months, I started feeling this urgency of someone loving me unconditionally.  It would be over a year later when at a church service on July 21, 2001, I gave my life to Christ.  Not just for Him to be my saviour, but for him to be my Lord. 

Change does not take place instantly in most cases, as it did not in mine.  However change does begin at the cross, even if we realize it or not, but it does begin there.  My husband and I have had many years of ups and downs.  We have seen many blessings.  We have even seen our marriage completely destroyed.  However, because of Gods hand in our lives, and our willingness to once again become completely surrendered unto His will, God restored our marriage, and healed our hearts.  Do I still struggle with feelings of guilt because I am divorced...yes, but God has forgiven me!  I have struggles everyday with my past sins and wrong doings.  God has forgiven me!  Just because I struggle with my past does not mean that I am not forgiven.  It means I struggle with my past even though I know I am forgiven.  We are told to pick up our crosses and follow Christ.  If my cross is my past, then I will pick up my cross and surrender daily to Christ because He has forgiven me, because I have surrendered my life to the only one capable of loving me unconditionally with my past, or without my past.  God has forgiven me, and He loves me unconditionally, beyond what I think unconditional love is.

You may ask me if I think divorce is wrong and my answer would have to be....yes.  You may also ask if God makes a provision for divorce and I would have to say...yes, with a big fat BUT!  When we are married God joins us as one, and He tells us what God has joined together let no man put apart.  I believe that if God can take a broken marriage such as mine and restore it, He can do that with any marriage, but only if He is given the opportunity.  I hate divorce, I believe divorce is wrong and against the will of God.  If you are in the situation where your marriage is not strong and is becoming completely torn apart I would suggest that you seek good godly christian counseling.  I know of a godly counselor that offers a platform where Jesus can do His work in your marriage.  Please contact me I would be happy to pass that information to you and even say a prayer with you.

My title to this blog is "A Life Made Beautiful", because God has made my life beautiful.  He took what was broken, dirty, and full of shame (me), and made it beautiful.  I remember growing up hearing and singing the words to a song called "Something Beautiful", this is a song that I never forgot even in those dark days way back when and even in those dark days that I experience now.  May these words be a blessing to you!

Something beautiful. Something good. 

All of my confusion He understood. 

All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife. 

But He made something beautiful of my life. 

What Would Jesus Show?

  

So many people are throwing around the word "tolerant" so I wanted to figure out exactly what it means to tolerate, or have tolerance, or to be tolerant.  I use that word myself, and honestly I have actually been using it incorrectly and so have many other people.  When doing my research and trying to find scripture to support tolerance I could not find any that had a positive outcome (Esther 3:8 and Rev 2:20)  So I had to start by trying to find supporting synonym's and came across words such as:  Kindheartedness, Compassion and Mercy. There are several more but I stopped at those because I felt that those words seemed to be pretty different from the word tolerance. Then I began looking up the definitions for those words, using the New Oxford American Dictionary.

Tolerance - 1.) The ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behavior that one dislikes or disagrees with.  2.)  The capacity to endure continued subjection to something without adverse reaction.

Kindhearted - Having a kind and sympathetic nature.

Compassion - Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

My purpose for today's blog was to try to compare Tolerance vs. Compassion Biblicaly but, like I said, I ran into a problem when I was trying to find a biblical response to tolerance.  Tolerance is having the ability or willingness to ignore the sinning of someone else, sweep it under the carpet, make it not a big deal.  I don't believe that Christ showed tolerance to anyone.  He could not ignore the wrong doing of others.  He could not ignore those who were suffering in their own sin.  He called out the demons, he healed the sick.  He tolerated no one and had zero tolerance for anyone living in sin.  He showed compassion and mercy.

In Esther chapter 3 Haman is telling King Ahasuerus that there is no profit in tolerating the people who did not keep the king's law, and advised the King to destroy this people.  The actual passage is Esther 3:8.

In Revelation Jesus is speaking to the church in Thyatira and saying that He has this against them:  they tolerate the woman Jezebel by her teaching and seducing His servants to practice sexual immorality and to eat food sacrificed to idols.  What does this bring about: Christ gives her and those that commit adultery time to repent but they refuse and God throws them into great tribulation.  The actual passage is Revelation 2:20-23.

So my dilemma quickly became obvious that showing tolerance or tolerating is Biblicaly wrong.  If this is incorrect I would sure like someone to point that out to me.  If we were to have a Biblical definition of tolerance a friend of mine stated this, and I think it is the best definition of tolerance that a Christian can have:

"Tolerance = We disagree, but I respect that your convictions are different than mine.  I will not reject you or disregard you because of that and will respect that you have the right to believe as you want.  But it assumes the existence of disagreement.  Tolerance does not mean absence of disagreement; nor does it mean absence of dialogue regarding our differences. For me to be tolerant towards your beliefs, it means I first have to say I think that you belief is wrong.  Agreement does not require tolerance; disagreement does".

- Johan Bester

This form of tolerance certainly does not sweep the sin under the carpet and it does not ignore the sin.  It calls it out like Christ called out sin.  Sad to say that this is not the type of tolerance that people are calling for.  They are calling for the worlds view of tolerance.  The type of tolerance that ignores the sin, and sweeps it under the carpet.  So just maybe what we need to be showing instead of tolerance is mercy.

As defined earlier mercy means compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.  An example of this is a parent showing mercy to their child by not punishing them after the child has done something wrong.

As I read this definition I quickly saw that mercy can only be shown by one in power; a parent, a judge, a boss etc.  So I was quick to rule out the ability of a Christian to show mercy because we are sinners, we don't have the power to show mercy.  However, my husband showed me that we can show mercy to those living in sin because of the authority we have in the Bible.

So as Christians how then do we have the authority to show mercy to those living in sin, committing a sin or whatever,  I don't care what type of sin?   Jesus hung out with sinners.  Maybe we should start hanging out with sinners.  Jesus was criticized for hanging out with the sinners and the tax collectors.  Jesus even said it is better to deal with the unsaved versus the saved.  Was this tolerance?  No I think it was mercy.  The passage in Matthew 9 gives us the authority to show mercy.

Matthew 9:10-13 tells us:  "And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples.  And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"  But when he heard it he said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician but those who are sick.  Go and learn what this means, I desire mercy and not sacrifice.  For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

No we can not show the kind of mercy Christ showed us on the cross, but we can show the kind of mercy that brings about a conversation that leads to sharing the Gospel.  We can not separate ourselves from those sinners, we are to be among the sinners, showing mercy, because if we are not among them then we cannot reach them with the truth.  No we can't forgive sin, but we know the One who can and as long as we are showing mercy and not being tolerant we can lead those to the One who can forgive sins.  Remember those needing to be forgiven, or healed came to Christ, Christ did not come to them.  So if we are to reach the lost, we need to go to them.  The only way they will be willing to hear us, is if we stop sweeping sin under the carpet, ignoring what is wrong, and begin showing love, mercy, and speaking to the heart with words that penetrate the heart, not with words that cause the heart to close and ears to return void. They must know that we are Christians by our love.

I am not all sure that this is all correct, and if I am incorrect in any of this I am open to hearing from you.  I want to be merciful not tolerant toward sin. I want those who are lost to come to Christ so that He can clean them, purify them and make them whole and give them a new heart.

So lets stop being tolerant to the sin of this world, and begin to show mercy and see the world be changed for the glory of God!!!

Standing For Traditional Marriage

Wants again just sharing my heart...

What an awesome showing of support of the CEO of Chik-fil-a yesterday.  Way to go everybody that went to stand in long lines to show your support for "traditional" marriage!  However, I chose not to go.  Not because I don't support "traditional" marriage, but I just could not bring myself or my family to stand in long lines to show support for marriage that is no longer what God intended it to be.  Why, stand in line showing how strong marriage is between a man and a woman when so many marriages fall apart for no more of a reason then who forgot to take out the trash .  I just could not do it.  So hats off to those who did!

Over the last few weeks, even longer I have been burdened by the state of marriage.  To be honest, I should be the last one to have such a heavy heart regarding marriage.  I have been divorced, and my current marriage became so totally broken that it took God intervening to bring healing.  I think God every day that my husband never gave up on us, and he kept praying and seeking God, during a time when I could not and just really wished he would walk away.  Praise God, that I now have a marriage that was healed and restored, and our hearts that were shredded into little tiny pieces were made new.

Yesterday marked a day where everyone who supports "traditional" marriage (boy how I hate having to clarify what kind of marriage) stood in long lines to show the world what they stand for.  This is fine and dandy, but how could so many people take this stand when as a nation there is a 40-50% divorce rate for first time marriages.  That rate goes up for each time a person is married.  Before you blast me, I understand the reason why so many people went out and did this, trust me I totally understand.  However, it makes me wonder what those who don't agree with us are actually thinking about the "traditional" marriage.  Honestly, what kind of example can we really make when the divorce rate in America is so ridiculously high?  What was the motive behind so many of those standing in those lines?  Were they doing it out of love or were they doing it out of hate?  What was the point behind it?  Honestly I don't know.  I read so many posts of people doing their "deed" to show support of something that they honestly do really believe in.

So many people are so quick to judge the homosexual by telling them that they are wrong and living in sin but at the same breath ignore the couple that lives next door who just filed divorce papers.  I know two different topics, but both are sin full.  Sin is a sin, no matter the sin.  Like I mentioned before, I am divorced and remarried, so biblicaly speaking I am a very sin full person.  Trust me I have experienced the pointing of fingers, and the whispers behind my back, and the God can't use you because you are divorced routine.  Talk about feeling hurt.

All that to say this...  Is the homosexual more sinful because it is so in your face, wake up and there it is in the news?  Or is it the couple serving each other divorce papers today secretly so the neighbors don't know?  If we truly are honest they both are sin and neither is more sinful.  The bible clearly tells us that both are wrong.  Yes, I know that for divorce it is ok in case of adultery. 

So it brings me to this...If we are going to take a stand for "traditional" marriage, don't you think that maybe before an impact can be made in our society, we need to begin to strengthen our marriages?  To me I feel like those who favor legalizing homosexual marriage feels this way because we who support "traditional" marriage do such a horrible job at keeping our marriages together.  We have to many people just walking away from marriages because it is so much easier then staying and working it out.  Trust me, I know.  I really wanted nothing more at the time for my marriage to just end.  The pain, the continued broken heart, the feeling of worthlessness was so much more then I could bear.  Ending my marriage would have been so much easier. I understand, those desperate feelings of "lets just call it quits!!!!!"

I am asking that people join me in praying for our marriages, and begin to study the word to find out exactly what God intended marriage to be.  I honestly believe that before we can make a stand for marriages that will actually make an impact we need to begin restoring the sanctity of marriage by working to make our marriages last and stop looking for away out.  We need to stop accepting the norm that "trying on" marriage is acceptable, because you can't try on marriage.  It is not if it fits you keep it, and if not you don't commit.  What ever happened to dating and breaking up?  Last but not least, when making those vows begin taking them seriously, don't take them thinking that if this does not work we can always divorce.  Marriage is not easy, it was not intended to be easy.  It was intended to last forever, not to just walk away from because "I can't take this any more!!!" ( Words I said many times. I know and understand that feeling.)

I have taken the liberty to find all the scripture in the bible that pertains to marriage.  I have listed them below.  Would you please join me in finding out what marriage really is meant to be, and to portray.  As I journey through this my prayer is that God will open my eyes so that I can honestly stand for marriage the way that God intended it to be and make an impact on society honestly.  I also ask that during this personal study, that if your marriage is struggling that God will begin to restore not just your marriage, but the broken hearts.  If you are not married, I pray that God will open your eyes to the importance of marriage and what all it represents because marriage by no means is "just a piece of paper".  Please feel free to leave comments.  I look forward to seeing your responses.

Marriage:
     Matthew 22:30, 24:38
     Romans 7:2
     1 Cor 7:38
     Heb 13:4

Married:
     1 Cor 7:10, 7:33, 7:39

Marries:
     Matthew 5:32, 19:9
     Luke 16:18
    
Marry:
     1 Cor 7:9, 7:28
     1 Tim 5:14

Salt and Light in a Dark World

I am struggling with writing this blog, because I really have no idea where to begin..  So this may be a lot of rambling but I am speaking from my heart.  So with that said here it goes:

Everyday I see and hear things from people who claim to be Christians that really do not show the light of Christ.  The gospel message that they are sending out is a gospel message that says you must change your way of life before coming to Christ.  You need to stop what you are doing if you want Christ to accept you.  That is not at all the gospel message I know.  I sit here and I wonder what bible these people are reading.  My bible tells me that I can come as I am, that I don't have to change before I come to the cross.  The change begins after the cross.  I also believe that ones conviction is not someone elses convictions.  Christ convicts those of sin, not man.

I wonder why people don't listen when someone tells them about the love of Christ and its through Him that we can be purified and made whole.  It was not until after I read the verse in Matthew about how we are the salt of the earth and if the salt looses it taste how will it be restored.  That is when it hit me.  Those that have chosen to live a different life style are winning the fight that we as Christians have chosen to take on because it is not our fight.  Our message has lost its taste because we are not living as a light unto the world.  So many Christians have become abusive with words filled with hate.  We throw stones while living in glass houses. 

I heard recently about a company that refused to service a couple planning a wedding because they were gay.  They even said they were not going to offer them their service because the lifestyle they lived was unbliblical.  I don't know the legal ramifications that this company could face and really I don't care. I am more concerned about the light of Christ that was just dimmed a little more because of this stand.  How are we to win those who are lost to Christ, if people claiming to be Christan's keep turning them away?  I no longer wonder why Christians are getting a bad rap it is because of companies and people like this who claim to be christian.  They just don't get it. 

I don't agree with this bakery at all. What was done is so very wrong on so many levels.  We are called to love the sinner not the sin, Christ did not refuse anybody. He called all to repentance with a loving heart and open arms. People like this is the reason Christians like me have a hard time sharing the gospel with those living in sin...Sin is sin no mater the sin. One type of sin is no worse then the other. I wonder if this baker asks those of the heterosexual orgin who are getting married if they have had sex with anyone outside of marriage because that is biblical wrong as well. 

The issue surrounding gay marriage really should be a non issue.  I don't think by them getting married it will change the sanctity of marriage at least it won't change mine.  God is the one who sanctifies marriage any ways not man.  What does taking a stand for heterosexual marriages prove any ways?   If the homosexual marriage would be legalized today, it would have no impact what so ever on the traditional marriage.  I will say it again, I do not agree with the life style of the homosexual.  Christ would not have turned them away.  He would have loved them and showed them the truth.  We as Christians are called to do the same.  Colossians tells us that we need to be gracious in our speech seasoned with salt so that we know how to answer each other.  Salt gives flavor, and as long as the salt is tasteless so will our words be tasteless.  Tasteless words will not penetrate the heart, words with flavor that show love are the only way to the heart.

Matthew 5:13-16 "You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?  It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.  You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Colossians 4:5-6 "Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time.  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."

A Promise...

Wow, it has been over a week since I last wrote anything.  I am not sure if that is because nothing is happening, I have nothing to say, or because I don't have time.  I would like to think that I have been so busy that I just don't have the time, but honestly that certainly is not the case.  I would also like to think that it is because I have nothing to say, well as many of you, who know me, know that certainly is not the case either.  I could even go as far as saying nothing worth while has happened or is happening, that would be more truthful then anything else, but having two active boys that is not the case either.  I will have to blame this completely on the fact that I have become lazy, and just plain bored.  This is certainly a problem, but not so much of a problem, because it gives me a chance to actually think about the things that have happened over the course of a month and a half and even longer.  God is truly a God who keeps his promises even if it seems like those promises were made many years ago. 

About 4 years ago my husband Chris lost his job at the school he had been teaching at since the very first day the school opened in 2001.  Prior to him losing his job, I hit rock bottom, and just took a dive into a pit of darkness that even to this day I can not explain what set that downward spin into motion.  Everything seemed to be going well.  But something happened, and triggered a time of confusion, chaos, and just plain simply a time when I was not sure who I was any longer.  So my marriage suffered greatly, and so did my boys.  To make a long story short, my husband began seeking help with our pastor, and that in turn turned into his helping us get to an extensive 5 day marriage counseling session at The Ranch of Hope.  With lots of time spent with our pastor counseling us, and believing that God had/has great things for us our pastor began to walk through the fire with us, and through one of the darkest periods of time in my life.  If it were not for our pastors active roll he took in our marriage, through praying, answering the many tiresome phone calls no matter the time of day, counseling, encouraging words and whatever it was we needed at the time, I honestly can say that my marriage would not have survived.  Needless to say it was a long hard road, with many twist and turns.  It was during this time that I was encouraged to seek medical treatment, and which my pastor and his wife stood by me to ensure that I had the support that I needed in order for me to do what it was that I needed to do.  I will be forever grateful for them and the sacrifice they made for my marriage and my family.  I will never totally understand all they did for me and why they did it, but they will always mean so very much to me.

God promises us that he will never allow us to go through difficulties that we can not handle.  I don't know about you but 4 years of unemployment/under-employment is certainly more then what I could have ever imagined I would have to go through.  A year or more of walking through hell in a marriage where you can't even look at each other, let alone talk to each, and wonder every day why we just don't go our seperate ways.  During that time God promised us that he would not let us break, that he was going to bless us more then we could ever imagine.  That his purpose was being fullfilled, even though we could not see his hand.  God was there.  Even though we wanted to quit, our pastor encouraged us to hang in there.  Even though we wanted to walk away, our pastor encouraged us to take hold of each other.  God used our pastor, for that time.  I don't think there could ever be another pastor who would be willing to walk through what he walked through because he saw what God was doing.  Do we know yet why God allowed us to walk where we walked...no.  Do we understand yet why God allowed for me to go through the darkest time in my life...no.  But God promised us our reward would be great, that he would be using what we went through as a couple and as individuals to bring him the glory.  I believe that God is beginning to unfold that promise. 

God allows for bad things to happen to us, not because he wants to punish us.  But because sometimes that is the only way he can get our attention.  As our pastor would say, sometimes God has to use a 2x4 to knock us up side the head.  Do I think we had to be hit upset the head...yes on many occasions.   I do believe however that God's mercy is poured out on us, and is still being poured out on us.  God promised us that the trials we went through would bring him glory.  There is no other way to bring him glory except by telling others about Christ, and what God did for us!  God took a marriage that was completely broken and in mans eyes not even worth fighting for, and placed people in our lives that believed in our marriage, believed that God could heal our marriage and stood by us and held up our arms when we could no longer go on.  Because of the sacrifice of a few who stood by us, they are able to see the promise of God unfolding, and are reaping the blessings as well.

We have not finished the race, and our goal has not been reached.  God will continue to pour out his blessings, as we continue to seek him.  We are in the process of transition, we are looking for a church where God will be able to use us, and allow us to share what He did in each of us, in our marriage and in our family.    God's promise is a never ending promise.  As long as we continue to be open to his calling he will be faithful to fulfill all of his promises.

Dear Father:
As we begin the process of understanding your will for our lives, my prayer is that whatever we do to share what you did in our lives, our marriage and our family that we will use it to bring you all the glory.  For nothing matters unless it brings you glory.  My desire is to know you more, and to be used by you.  My desire is that my life will be a reflection of your love for all of us.  May everything I say and do, bring you honor and glory.
Amen

Glory To God Forever

All For You

The church we have been going to has been doing a church wide campaign called "Not a Fan".  Actually there are many churches that seem to be picking up on this and doing some kind of "Not a Fan" campaign. Whether it be on a large scale where every group from kids, to the adults and everything in between or just being taught on Sunday's mornings.  I have heard it said many times that Christ does not want people to just cheer Him on, but he wants us to drop everything and follow him.  He not only told his disciples to leave everything and follow Him but he tells us to do the same. He also tells us to pick up our crosses daily and follow him. But what does all this really mean? I am not a biblical scholar, no will I tell you that I have read the bible from beginning to end (actually I am trying to do that now).  So honestly I can't really say what all that means.  I can do word studies on the word follow and I can do studies on what it means to pick up your cross.  All I know is that I don't want to be standing in front of my Father one day and have him look at me and ask "Were you my fan or were you my follower?"  Wow!

So here is my take and my hearts felt understanding about what it means to be a Fan vs. a Follower. A fan of Christ is someone who just follows him and says yep I am a believer in Christ and when I die I am going to heaven.  They marvel at all he does, they cheer, they shout when something great happens.  A fan does not want to give up those things that are important, are willing to follow when the time is right for them.  A fan will only be around while things are good.  This is not what Christ calls us to be He asks us to leave everything behind .  He tells us to drop everything and pick up our crosses and follow Him.

A follower is someone who willingly lets go and follows.  They are interested in the individual they are following and desires to be taught by that person.  They are willing to go wherever that person goes.  They are willing to do anything and everything within their power for that person.  I remember growing up always being told that you need to be a leader not a follower.  I totally understand that, but when we are in a relationship with Jesus that is exactly what he asks us to do is to drop everything and follow him.  He asks us are you willing to surrender everything in you life, to be totally sold out for Him, to go where he tells you to go, to do what he asks us to do.  A fan will say yes but only to this point.  A follower says take my life and let it be used for your glory.

I have given you the meanings of the words fan and follower below:

Fan:   is a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person.  
Follower:   is a person who supports and admires, a person who takes an active interest, and a person who moves or travels behind someone.  

Even before we moved to North Carolina, I totally surrender my life to Christ.  I asked Christ to take all that I am and all that I have and use it for His glory to full fill His plan in my life.  I want my life to be a living sacrifice, pure and holy for His glory.  I want Him to take all that I am and all that I have and bring about his will.  I will choose to pick up my cross daily and follow him.  I choose to surrender to His will daily.

See being a follower means sacrificing the things we think we need, and want in order to do the things God needs and wants us to do.  It means no longer standing on the side lines cheering.  When I stand before my Father some day and He looks at me I want him to say "Well done my good and faithful servant, you were not just a fan, but you surrendered everything and gave everything so that My work here on earth could continue.  Welcome home!"

Perspective

As long as I have perspective all will be ok.  And below are a few people who help me to keep my perspective during a storm.  They are just a few of the many very important people in my life.  As long as they are the first in my thoughts I will be just fine.  And they are always first in my thoughts.

Jeremiah (my frontiersman)

Timothy (my great "superhero")

Chris (my strength)

Calm During the Midst of a Storm

I titled this post "Calm During the Midst of a Storm", because currently that is where I am at.  See being bipolar sometimes you get to experience all different types of emotions all at the same time.  Sometimes you get to feel what they call "manic" which is a high, it is a feeling like you can do anything, nothing can stop you, you can go long periods of time with little to no sleep.  Then there are the times that you feel depressed, no need to explain that, right.  So imagine all those feelings coming and going some days are good days, some days are bad, some days are sad, whatever.  Before I left Colorado my doctor adjusted my medication to help ward off any period of manic, depression or mixed state.  He did this with hopes that I could maintain "stable" under a very stressful time.  Stress is a huge player when someone is bipolar.  Eliminate the stress and you can pretty much maintain "normal".  However, add in a lot of stress and you create a huge problem.  Well, needless to say although great attempts were made the adjustment to my medication did not help.  I have been doing okay.  That is to say I have been managing.  Well over the last several days I have been riding a perpetual roller coaster.  Basically having a lot of ups and a lot of downs.  This is due to the fact that I have just experienced one of the most stressful things anyone can experience and that is a move. The only way to stop the roller coaster is to adjust medication.  I am actually trying to get this done but having a hard time doing so because I can not get in to see a doctor anytime sooner then the next 2-3 months.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that I currently don't have insurance.  So what we have decided to do is ride out the storm.  Some of you (especially those that know me) are saying uh, I don't think that is a good idea.   Yea, you are more then likely right.  So while (today anyways) I am experiencing a calm, my hope and prayer is that this will maintain.  

I need to have faith, that the storm is over and this is not just a calm during a storm.


So instead of closing this post out in a prayer, I am going to ask those that read this pray for me.  I ask that you pray for a continued "calm", "normal" whatever you want to call it.  Pray that stability will come without needing to adjust my medication.  If we have to pray that I will find a doctor that can see me and work with me on the payment of the office visit. And pray however the Lord would lead you to pray.

When Sleep Does Not Come So Easily

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you O Lord, make me dwell in safety" Psalm 4:8

Last night I could not fall asleep for anything.  I tossed and turned, got up and down.  My problem was I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I just could not shut my mind off.  No matter how hard I tried the thoughts would not stop rushing in like a flood.  I suppose that is due to where I am at right now, needing to be on the go (which is really hard when it is hot), needing to be busy, just needing to be doing something.  Add in the fact that I really do not like the heat, it really makes it very difficult to go out and actually do.  So I find myself busy cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.  Yes, things can only be so clean, but what else is a person to do when they need to be doing, but does not want get out and do.  Nights of no sleep happen often for me, and the less sleep I get (this may sound weird) but the less sleep I feel I need.

During times like now it is very hard finding peace during restlessness, and rushing thoughts.  So usually I just get up and sit in the dark hoping peace and quiet will come eventually, and yes eventually it comes, but only to allow me about 2-3 hours of sleep.  But I can get up and just go, go, go.  Yes, I feel tired, but in a weird way that tired feeling energizes me.  Yea I know it is strange but that is what happens, the less sleep the more energized I feel, until eventually I don't feel like I need any sleep and I can go without sleep for a few days, and then I crash and sleep no longer is an issue.

This morning during my bible reading time (I am reading the bible through with Jeremiah) the above verse is one that I read this morning.  How great is God to let me know that even though in my mind things are going wild, and I may not feel safe when I have those rushing thoughts of past hurts, wrongs done by me and wrongs done to me, fear of the past, fear of the present, and even fear of the future, God has me read this verse today.  It basically says that God will cause the peace to arise so that I can lie down and sleep in His dwelling place of safety (which by the way He has created).  God will make away for the peace to come and make me feel safe.  God is amazing!  He just does not care about my heart and where my heart is, He also cares about my sleep.

I don't know if you struggle with sleep, but find peace in knowing that God will bring you peace in your times of restlessness, fears, or whatever it is that causes you not to sleep.  He will even make a dwelling place for you to rest in His safety.  How awesome is that!!!

Dear Father,
You word tells us that you care about whether or not we get sleep.  It also tells us that when we sleep you make for us a dwelling place that is safe.  Father, I ask that during those times when thoughts are rushing in like a flood that you calm those thoughts and bring peace to not only bring rest, but comfort as well.
In Your Name I Pray, Amen

So Far Away and Yet So Close

If you have followed my blog in the past you will find that... 1.) It has been a very long time since I have written and 2.) That all previous posts have been deleted.  I did this intentionaly for a few reasons and one of those reasons is because I am no longer that person.  That is to say that my Heavenly Father has been and is still doing some wonderful things in my life and that of my families.  So why not start with a clean slate since after all that is what my Father has given me is a clean slate.  So I will try to post daily, as a way to be able to continue to express my feelings, and a way to show and express my gratefullness to my Father, for His ever presence in my life.

I have titled this post "So Far Away and Yet So Close" because my family has just recently relocated to Whispering Pines, NC, which puts 1700 miles from my parents, and all those that have supported me during very difficult times.  But I found out last night that even though one of those people who was/is part of my support group that I established over 3 years ago will never leave me feeling alone, scared, or hopeless, but instead even though there is physical distance there is still emotional support, and guidance that is offered freely.  Yes, I am so grateful knowing that this person is still just a phone call away, a text message away, a facebook instant message away.  That even though I have moved, he will be available to just talk me through times of being manic or times of depression, always offering me those words of guidance.  No I am not talking about the One who is always present, but I am talking about an individual who walked through the fire with my family during a very difficult time in my families life.  I always turn first to my Savior and begin to allow Him to embrace me, and allow Him to begin bringing the calm during a storm.  However, sometimes you just need to have someone outside of the situation to actually talk you through and make sure you are safe.  I am thankful that this friend proved to me last night that no matter the distance they will always be there.

So I will not make any promises about blogging everyday, but I will do my best to try and do so.  Again my hope for this blog is that maybe someone who is struggling with issues in life whether it be emotional, spritual, mental, physical, relational, whatever, they will be able to find encouragement here.  No I don't have anwers from anything special, just answers that come from walking through so many difficult things that range from running away at 16, to being abused, to having my marriage totally ripped apart and being made whole, and receiving a very hard diagnosis of Bi-Polar.  So I have walked through and have had to deal with a lot, but because of God's forever presence in my life I have been able to learn so much and walk thourgh times when I felt as if I could not.  So even though you may feel as if you are alone and no one could possibly understand, just let me say that Christ is not as far away as you think He may be.  He is actually so much closer then you think.  Distance is never an issue with Him.  And as I found out last night that even though the people that have supported me for several years are so far away they are still so close.

Dear Father,
When times such as I am in now I ask for the strength to face the demands of life, whether it be when I am manic, depressed or stable.  I ask that the words that are posted on this blog reach out and touch those who should just "stumble" acrossed it.  I ask for the words that you want me to share.  I ask for words that will be encouraging not to just those that read this, but to myself as well.  Father you are amazing, you know all the stars by name, you know the number of hair upon my head, and more importantly you know my heart and you love me still.  Thank you for your continuing faithfullness in my life, for always bringing those that know me close when I need them.  Thank you for loving me, when I feel unloved.  Thank you for ALWAYS being there.
In your name I pray,
Amen