Salt and Light in a Dark World

I am struggling with writing this blog, because I really have no idea where to begin..  So this may be a lot of rambling but I am speaking from my heart.  So with that said here it goes:

Everyday I see and hear things from people who claim to be Christians that really do not show the light of Christ.  The gospel message that they are sending out is a gospel message that says you must change your way of life before coming to Christ.  You need to stop what you are doing if you want Christ to accept you.  That is not at all the gospel message I know.  I sit here and I wonder what bible these people are reading.  My bible tells me that I can come as I am, that I don't have to change before I come to the cross.  The change begins after the cross.  I also believe that ones conviction is not someone elses convictions.  Christ convicts those of sin, not man.

I wonder why people don't listen when someone tells them about the love of Christ and its through Him that we can be purified and made whole.  It was not until after I read the verse in Matthew about how we are the salt of the earth and if the salt looses it taste how will it be restored.  That is when it hit me.  Those that have chosen to live a different life style are winning the fight that we as Christians have chosen to take on because it is not our fight.  Our message has lost its taste because we are not living as a light unto the world.  So many Christians have become abusive with words filled with hate.  We throw stones while living in glass houses. 

I heard recently about a company that refused to service a couple planning a wedding because they were gay.  They even said they were not going to offer them their service because the lifestyle they lived was unbliblical.  I don't know the legal ramifications that this company could face and really I don't care. I am more concerned about the light of Christ that was just dimmed a little more because of this stand.  How are we to win those who are lost to Christ, if people claiming to be Christan's keep turning them away?  I no longer wonder why Christians are getting a bad rap it is because of companies and people like this who claim to be christian.  They just don't get it. 

I don't agree with this bakery at all. What was done is so very wrong on so many levels.  We are called to love the sinner not the sin, Christ did not refuse anybody. He called all to repentance with a loving heart and open arms. People like this is the reason Christians like me have a hard time sharing the gospel with those living in sin...Sin is sin no mater the sin. One type of sin is no worse then the other. I wonder if this baker asks those of the heterosexual orgin who are getting married if they have had sex with anyone outside of marriage because that is biblical wrong as well. 

The issue surrounding gay marriage really should be a non issue.  I don't think by them getting married it will change the sanctity of marriage at least it won't change mine.  God is the one who sanctifies marriage any ways not man.  What does taking a stand for heterosexual marriages prove any ways?   If the homosexual marriage would be legalized today, it would have no impact what so ever on the traditional marriage.  I will say it again, I do not agree with the life style of the homosexual.  Christ would not have turned them away.  He would have loved them and showed them the truth.  We as Christians are called to do the same.  Colossians tells us that we need to be gracious in our speech seasoned with salt so that we know how to answer each other.  Salt gives flavor, and as long as the salt is tasteless so will our words be tasteless.  Tasteless words will not penetrate the heart, words with flavor that show love are the only way to the heart.

Matthew 5:13-16 "You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?  It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.  You are the light of the world.  A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Colossians 4:5-6 "Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time.  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."

A Promise...

Wow, it has been over a week since I last wrote anything.  I am not sure if that is because nothing is happening, I have nothing to say, or because I don't have time.  I would like to think that I have been so busy that I just don't have the time, but honestly that certainly is not the case.  I would also like to think that it is because I have nothing to say, well as many of you, who know me, know that certainly is not the case either.  I could even go as far as saying nothing worth while has happened or is happening, that would be more truthful then anything else, but having two active boys that is not the case either.  I will have to blame this completely on the fact that I have become lazy, and just plain bored.  This is certainly a problem, but not so much of a problem, because it gives me a chance to actually think about the things that have happened over the course of a month and a half and even longer.  God is truly a God who keeps his promises even if it seems like those promises were made many years ago. 

About 4 years ago my husband Chris lost his job at the school he had been teaching at since the very first day the school opened in 2001.  Prior to him losing his job, I hit rock bottom, and just took a dive into a pit of darkness that even to this day I can not explain what set that downward spin into motion.  Everything seemed to be going well.  But something happened, and triggered a time of confusion, chaos, and just plain simply a time when I was not sure who I was any longer.  So my marriage suffered greatly, and so did my boys.  To make a long story short, my husband began seeking help with our pastor, and that in turn turned into his helping us get to an extensive 5 day marriage counseling session at The Ranch of Hope.  With lots of time spent with our pastor counseling us, and believing that God had/has great things for us our pastor began to walk through the fire with us, and through one of the darkest periods of time in my life.  If it were not for our pastors active roll he took in our marriage, through praying, answering the many tiresome phone calls no matter the time of day, counseling, encouraging words and whatever it was we needed at the time, I honestly can say that my marriage would not have survived.  Needless to say it was a long hard road, with many twist and turns.  It was during this time that I was encouraged to seek medical treatment, and which my pastor and his wife stood by me to ensure that I had the support that I needed in order for me to do what it was that I needed to do.  I will be forever grateful for them and the sacrifice they made for my marriage and my family.  I will never totally understand all they did for me and why they did it, but they will always mean so very much to me.

God promises us that he will never allow us to go through difficulties that we can not handle.  I don't know about you but 4 years of unemployment/under-employment is certainly more then what I could have ever imagined I would have to go through.  A year or more of walking through hell in a marriage where you can't even look at each other, let alone talk to each, and wonder every day why we just don't go our seperate ways.  During that time God promised us that he would not let us break, that he was going to bless us more then we could ever imagine.  That his purpose was being fullfilled, even though we could not see his hand.  God was there.  Even though we wanted to quit, our pastor encouraged us to hang in there.  Even though we wanted to walk away, our pastor encouraged us to take hold of each other.  God used our pastor, for that time.  I don't think there could ever be another pastor who would be willing to walk through what he walked through because he saw what God was doing.  Do we know yet why God allowed us to walk where we walked...no.  Do we understand yet why God allowed for me to go through the darkest time in my life...no.  But God promised us our reward would be great, that he would be using what we went through as a couple and as individuals to bring him the glory.  I believe that God is beginning to unfold that promise. 

God allows for bad things to happen to us, not because he wants to punish us.  But because sometimes that is the only way he can get our attention.  As our pastor would say, sometimes God has to use a 2x4 to knock us up side the head.  Do I think we had to be hit upset the head...yes on many occasions.   I do believe however that God's mercy is poured out on us, and is still being poured out on us.  God promised us that the trials we went through would bring him glory.  There is no other way to bring him glory except by telling others about Christ, and what God did for us!  God took a marriage that was completely broken and in mans eyes not even worth fighting for, and placed people in our lives that believed in our marriage, believed that God could heal our marriage and stood by us and held up our arms when we could no longer go on.  Because of the sacrifice of a few who stood by us, they are able to see the promise of God unfolding, and are reaping the blessings as well.

We have not finished the race, and our goal has not been reached.  God will continue to pour out his blessings, as we continue to seek him.  We are in the process of transition, we are looking for a church where God will be able to use us, and allow us to share what He did in each of us, in our marriage and in our family.    God's promise is a never ending promise.  As long as we continue to be open to his calling he will be faithful to fulfill all of his promises.

Dear Father:
As we begin the process of understanding your will for our lives, my prayer is that whatever we do to share what you did in our lives, our marriage and our family that we will use it to bring you all the glory.  For nothing matters unless it brings you glory.  My desire is to know you more, and to be used by you.  My desire is that my life will be a reflection of your love for all of us.  May everything I say and do, bring you honor and glory.
Amen

Glory To God Forever

All For You

The church we have been going to has been doing a church wide campaign called "Not a Fan".  Actually there are many churches that seem to be picking up on this and doing some kind of "Not a Fan" campaign. Whether it be on a large scale where every group from kids, to the adults and everything in between or just being taught on Sunday's mornings.  I have heard it said many times that Christ does not want people to just cheer Him on, but he wants us to drop everything and follow him.  He not only told his disciples to leave everything and follow Him but he tells us to do the same. He also tells us to pick up our crosses daily and follow him. But what does all this really mean? I am not a biblical scholar, no will I tell you that I have read the bible from beginning to end (actually I am trying to do that now).  So honestly I can't really say what all that means.  I can do word studies on the word follow and I can do studies on what it means to pick up your cross.  All I know is that I don't want to be standing in front of my Father one day and have him look at me and ask "Were you my fan or were you my follower?"  Wow!

So here is my take and my hearts felt understanding about what it means to be a Fan vs. a Follower. A fan of Christ is someone who just follows him and says yep I am a believer in Christ and when I die I am going to heaven.  They marvel at all he does, they cheer, they shout when something great happens.  A fan does not want to give up those things that are important, are willing to follow when the time is right for them.  A fan will only be around while things are good.  This is not what Christ calls us to be He asks us to leave everything behind .  He tells us to drop everything and pick up our crosses and follow Him.

A follower is someone who willingly lets go and follows.  They are interested in the individual they are following and desires to be taught by that person.  They are willing to go wherever that person goes.  They are willing to do anything and everything within their power for that person.  I remember growing up always being told that you need to be a leader not a follower.  I totally understand that, but when we are in a relationship with Jesus that is exactly what he asks us to do is to drop everything and follow him.  He asks us are you willing to surrender everything in you life, to be totally sold out for Him, to go where he tells you to go, to do what he asks us to do.  A fan will say yes but only to this point.  A follower says take my life and let it be used for your glory.

I have given you the meanings of the words fan and follower below:

Fan:   is a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art form, or famous person.  
Follower:   is a person who supports and admires, a person who takes an active interest, and a person who moves or travels behind someone.  

Even before we moved to North Carolina, I totally surrender my life to Christ.  I asked Christ to take all that I am and all that I have and use it for His glory to full fill His plan in my life.  I want my life to be a living sacrifice, pure and holy for His glory.  I want Him to take all that I am and all that I have and bring about his will.  I will choose to pick up my cross daily and follow him.  I choose to surrender to His will daily.

See being a follower means sacrificing the things we think we need, and want in order to do the things God needs and wants us to do.  It means no longer standing on the side lines cheering.  When I stand before my Father some day and He looks at me I want him to say "Well done my good and faithful servant, you were not just a fan, but you surrendered everything and gave everything so that My work here on earth could continue.  Welcome home!"

Perspective

As long as I have perspective all will be ok.  And below are a few people who help me to keep my perspective during a storm.  They are just a few of the many very important people in my life.  As long as they are the first in my thoughts I will be just fine.  And they are always first in my thoughts.

Jeremiah (my frontiersman)

Timothy (my great "superhero")

Chris (my strength)

Calm During the Midst of a Storm

I titled this post "Calm During the Midst of a Storm", because currently that is where I am at.  See being bipolar sometimes you get to experience all different types of emotions all at the same time.  Sometimes you get to feel what they call "manic" which is a high, it is a feeling like you can do anything, nothing can stop you, you can go long periods of time with little to no sleep.  Then there are the times that you feel depressed, no need to explain that, right.  So imagine all those feelings coming and going some days are good days, some days are bad, some days are sad, whatever.  Before I left Colorado my doctor adjusted my medication to help ward off any period of manic, depression or mixed state.  He did this with hopes that I could maintain "stable" under a very stressful time.  Stress is a huge player when someone is bipolar.  Eliminate the stress and you can pretty much maintain "normal".  However, add in a lot of stress and you create a huge problem.  Well, needless to say although great attempts were made the adjustment to my medication did not help.  I have been doing okay.  That is to say I have been managing.  Well over the last several days I have been riding a perpetual roller coaster.  Basically having a lot of ups and a lot of downs.  This is due to the fact that I have just experienced one of the most stressful things anyone can experience and that is a move. The only way to stop the roller coaster is to adjust medication.  I am actually trying to get this done but having a hard time doing so because I can not get in to see a doctor anytime sooner then the next 2-3 months.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that I currently don't have insurance.  So what we have decided to do is ride out the storm.  Some of you (especially those that know me) are saying uh, I don't think that is a good idea.   Yea, you are more then likely right.  So while (today anyways) I am experiencing a calm, my hope and prayer is that this will maintain.  

I need to have faith, that the storm is over and this is not just a calm during a storm.


So instead of closing this post out in a prayer, I am going to ask those that read this pray for me.  I ask that you pray for a continued "calm", "normal" whatever you want to call it.  Pray that stability will come without needing to adjust my medication.  If we have to pray that I will find a doctor that can see me and work with me on the payment of the office visit. And pray however the Lord would lead you to pray.

When Sleep Does Not Come So Easily

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you O Lord, make me dwell in safety" Psalm 4:8

Last night I could not fall asleep for anything.  I tossed and turned, got up and down.  My problem was I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I just could not shut my mind off.  No matter how hard I tried the thoughts would not stop rushing in like a flood.  I suppose that is due to where I am at right now, needing to be on the go (which is really hard when it is hot), needing to be busy, just needing to be doing something.  Add in the fact that I really do not like the heat, it really makes it very difficult to go out and actually do.  So I find myself busy cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.  Yes, things can only be so clean, but what else is a person to do when they need to be doing, but does not want get out and do.  Nights of no sleep happen often for me, and the less sleep I get (this may sound weird) but the less sleep I feel I need.

During times like now it is very hard finding peace during restlessness, and rushing thoughts.  So usually I just get up and sit in the dark hoping peace and quiet will come eventually, and yes eventually it comes, but only to allow me about 2-3 hours of sleep.  But I can get up and just go, go, go.  Yes, I feel tired, but in a weird way that tired feeling energizes me.  Yea I know it is strange but that is what happens, the less sleep the more energized I feel, until eventually I don't feel like I need any sleep and I can go without sleep for a few days, and then I crash and sleep no longer is an issue.

This morning during my bible reading time (I am reading the bible through with Jeremiah) the above verse is one that I read this morning.  How great is God to let me know that even though in my mind things are going wild, and I may not feel safe when I have those rushing thoughts of past hurts, wrongs done by me and wrongs done to me, fear of the past, fear of the present, and even fear of the future, God has me read this verse today.  It basically says that God will cause the peace to arise so that I can lie down and sleep in His dwelling place of safety (which by the way He has created).  God will make away for the peace to come and make me feel safe.  God is amazing!  He just does not care about my heart and where my heart is, He also cares about my sleep.

I don't know if you struggle with sleep, but find peace in knowing that God will bring you peace in your times of restlessness, fears, or whatever it is that causes you not to sleep.  He will even make a dwelling place for you to rest in His safety.  How awesome is that!!!

Dear Father,
You word tells us that you care about whether or not we get sleep.  It also tells us that when we sleep you make for us a dwelling place that is safe.  Father, I ask that during those times when thoughts are rushing in like a flood that you calm those thoughts and bring peace to not only bring rest, but comfort as well.
In Your Name I Pray, Amen

So Far Away and Yet So Close

If you have followed my blog in the past you will find that... 1.) It has been a very long time since I have written and 2.) That all previous posts have been deleted.  I did this intentionaly for a few reasons and one of those reasons is because I am no longer that person.  That is to say that my Heavenly Father has been and is still doing some wonderful things in my life and that of my families.  So why not start with a clean slate since after all that is what my Father has given me is a clean slate.  So I will try to post daily, as a way to be able to continue to express my feelings, and a way to show and express my gratefullness to my Father, for His ever presence in my life.

I have titled this post "So Far Away and Yet So Close" because my family has just recently relocated to Whispering Pines, NC, which puts 1700 miles from my parents, and all those that have supported me during very difficult times.  But I found out last night that even though one of those people who was/is part of my support group that I established over 3 years ago will never leave me feeling alone, scared, or hopeless, but instead even though there is physical distance there is still emotional support, and guidance that is offered freely.  Yes, I am so grateful knowing that this person is still just a phone call away, a text message away, a facebook instant message away.  That even though I have moved, he will be available to just talk me through times of being manic or times of depression, always offering me those words of guidance.  No I am not talking about the One who is always present, but I am talking about an individual who walked through the fire with my family during a very difficult time in my families life.  I always turn first to my Savior and begin to allow Him to embrace me, and allow Him to begin bringing the calm during a storm.  However, sometimes you just need to have someone outside of the situation to actually talk you through and make sure you are safe.  I am thankful that this friend proved to me last night that no matter the distance they will always be there.

So I will not make any promises about blogging everyday, but I will do my best to try and do so.  Again my hope for this blog is that maybe someone who is struggling with issues in life whether it be emotional, spritual, mental, physical, relational, whatever, they will be able to find encouragement here.  No I don't have anwers from anything special, just answers that come from walking through so many difficult things that range from running away at 16, to being abused, to having my marriage totally ripped apart and being made whole, and receiving a very hard diagnosis of Bi-Polar.  So I have walked through and have had to deal with a lot, but because of God's forever presence in my life I have been able to learn so much and walk thourgh times when I felt as if I could not.  So even though you may feel as if you are alone and no one could possibly understand, just let me say that Christ is not as far away as you think He may be.  He is actually so much closer then you think.  Distance is never an issue with Him.  And as I found out last night that even though the people that have supported me for several years are so far away they are still so close.

Dear Father,
When times such as I am in now I ask for the strength to face the demands of life, whether it be when I am manic, depressed or stable.  I ask that the words that are posted on this blog reach out and touch those who should just "stumble" acrossed it.  I ask for the words that you want me to share.  I ask for words that will be encouraging not to just those that read this, but to myself as well.  Father you are amazing, you know all the stars by name, you know the number of hair upon my head, and more importantly you know my heart and you love me still.  Thank you for your continuing faithfullness in my life, for always bringing those that know me close when I need them.  Thank you for loving me, when I feel unloved.  Thank you for ALWAYS being there.
In your name I pray,
Amen